Well, healing for me was facing the demons by writing my story of abuse and sharing it with you. Am I healed from the abuse I endured? Heck no, the definition of healing was both bizarre and alien to me. What I mean by that is, I'm still going through the process. So do we ever heal? I have debated this with friends. To heal is what? To forget? There is no way to forget. We can't erase any part of our past however hard we try, but we can learn to live with it and accept it for what it is.
We are all very different on how we deal with things, and for me it is not hating my abusers...waste of emotion and my energy. I am much better than that anyway. So if not hating, not feeling shame and not thinking about it all the time is healing then I guess I'm well on my way!
Looking back and into current times, I thought I was as tough as old boots and doing really well, but man was I wrong! I fooled myself into thinking that I can deal with this all on my own. Over the years I have told myself that my abuse was nothing much to complain about. There was always someone a lot worse of than me...and that is still very true. But through this journey I have realized 'ABUSE' is just that, no matter what the severity or experience, it hurts and it will stay with me forever...a part of my past. But isn't this true for any trauma or loss in our lives?
So, after 17 months of being away from work...has it helped me? YES! When we are busy working we don't have the time to reflect or mull over the issues we have. We neglect to take care of the things that matter, mental health being one of them. But when we slow down or in my case stopped working altogether, the trauma of the past resurfaces and wham! hits you like a ton of bricks. I chose to deal with it at this point in my life and glad I did.
Overcoming my abuse and working through it, I found out that I am no different from anyone else. I have my weaknesses just like the next person. I dealt with my abuse as if it was no big deal to me (I'm tough right!!) and talked about my abuse in the third sense like it happened to someone else, referring to my abuse as your abuse. Well for me I need to say it as it is...I was abused, I hurt, I'm angry, I'm sad! And it is perfectly okay to feel these emotions and speak about them out loud. I also realized over the last 17 months, that it is okay to say to the world that I am successful, I am a good person, I love myself...warts an all...and guess what...I can't change my past!!
When I reveal to others the fact that I was abused, I say it as I do with many other serious issues I face, as an off the cuff, what ever attitude...don't give me sympathy kind of way!! So, I have a GI specialist Dr. Coderre (I have doctors with cool names)who has treated me for years for Crohns Disease (have been in remission for 10 years). So, when he asked how I was doing and what I'd been up to since my last appointment...I responded matter of factly "Oh, nothing much, I wrote a two page article for my local paper on how I was abused as a child." and went into the "Arizona" story. So I go back to my family doctor only for him to tell me my GI specialist had sent him a message saying I'd been abused as a child. My doctors response was, "Now I understand why you are the way you are!" You have to laugh at that comment...does that mean he was thinking I was nuts or what? lol
Anyways, the outcome from that was speaking to the in-house psychologist, Dr. Suzuki no less!! I hadn't gone down this route before! Who needs help right? His advice was that I may benefit from seeing a trauma specialist. I thought to myself no way, this isn't for me but then I thought more of it and decided maybe. However after my second visit with Dr. Suzuki and discussing this option I came away knowing I don't need it. Writing about my experience has been good therapy for me. However I can't stress enough that what works for me won't necessary work for you. Please reach out for help and go from there. So, I will continue meeting with Dr. Suzuki to learn how to keep my anxiety in check. Now call me crazy if you wish, but seeing a professional i.e. psychologist/psychiatrist to help you through your troubles is no big deal, apart from the fact you know there is going to be tears and exhaustion. But the stigma of mental health to me is so ridiculous. Who has lived their life as a happy go lucky person 24/7? Not many! And if you are one of the few, wow...you are one lucky person! I worked in social services for an organization that had children disclose abuse, yet it took me 10 years to face up to my own. You would think that I would have said something earlier, but to be honest I was too busy with my job and life in general. However, if you have read all my blogs and journey after my disclosure, you know that it is never too late to deal with it. After resigning my position I took the year to take stock of my life so to speak and to do that I had to face my past.
Don't get me wrong, it is not an easy process, it is emotionally exhausting but I believe I have come through it with flying colours. The realization that it was not my fault (light bulb moment) and that I am a better person to rid myself of the anger and shame I felt inside...is such a relief. Talking about it to others makes me feel better. So if you are pondering on what to do with your own story, start by talking to your doctor and go from there. For me, I guess it is much better to forgive and move on.
What am I doing now? Living!! Watch this space and all will be revealed ;)
Karen ♥
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