I had a conversation
regarding my abuse with my dear 80 year old friend recently about forgiveness.
My friend is a Christian woman that I expected to say, forgive as God forgives us.
However her response came in the form of a question "how can you
forgive someone that has afflicted so much pain on you? And how
do you forgive them?" I’m not sure I have the answer to that!
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| FORGIVE? MAYBE, FORGET? NOT A HOPE IN HELL!! |
We may not
all agree on the topic of forgiveness, however for me I'm not
sure I can forgive, or at least not in the full sense of the word...I'd be
lying if I said otherwise.
We all come
to terms with the abuse that we endure in our own way...and there is no right
or wrong way. In my case I accepted it and got on with my life the best I
could. But, when you push it so far down, one day it will resurface, and when
it does, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Oh, and it resurfaces when you least
expect it.
So how can I forgive?
Unfortunately
I don’t just have the one abuser to forgive, I have three! Triple whammy!
If I’m
completely honest I don’t know where to begin or how to forgive in this
situation, unless acceptance is forgiveness. I don’t feel hatred or wish those that
have harmed me any harm, so is that forgiveness in its own way? And is it
enough?
“If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.” ~ C. JoyBell C.
How do I describe them…the abusers?
The neighbour…was most definitely what I would class as your
typical pedophile, no question. I know for sure I wasn’t the only child he
abused. He died many years ago, so I can’t ask the question why? And as he
is out of the picture, I feel quite indifferent about it. I wrote the
letter "Dear Abuser" to him and now feel I'm done with that
episode and can move on.
The brothers of my childhood
friend…I believe to
be an opportune moment, a one off...at least I hope it was, but never the less,
still very wrong. I have no idea if they are still alive. But again can't ask
the whys and indifferent to this case also.
The relative…this is the big one, the one I have
probably struggled with the most, as it comes with such deep rooted fear,
anxiety, guilt, shame, heartache and so many more feelings I can
hardly describe. I don't really want to ask the whys...I just want to
forget about it, but that is hard to do when it is a relative.
I believe
that the abuse you suffer at the hands of a relative is much more damaging to
the mind. Don’t get me wrong as I am not including the severity or level of the
abuse, as everyone’s case is different, as are the effects. These are my own
personal experiences and thoughts. But a family member is someone you are
supposed to feel safe with, they are supposed to protect you, love you and you
love them back! But they are not that easy to avoid when they turn up at family
gatherings, rubbing salt into the wounds. I am however lucky I don’t have to face
him now, as our visits to Scotland are few and far between. This one (abuser)
is part of the reason we are in Canada today. So in this very moment I am
turning it around to be thankful to him, as maybe we wouldn’t have made that
decision to come to Canada and my life wouldn’t be as it is today!
Choices
I have been
trying to come to terms with (the relative) and have to say I’m struggling with
it. This relative sexually harassed me
for years to the point I felt I had no other option but to move to the other
side of the world to avoid. I suppose you can say I ran away. But
running away seemed the only option at the time.
Looking at
it now I know it was a good life choice not only for me but for my husband and
two kids. I have had way more opportunities to show the real me...the survivor!
And would say I have blossomed into the person I want to be. But unfortunately many
of us live our lives with demons or skeletons of some sort in our
closet...right?
It
all started from an early age...right up until the day we left Scotland in
1997. I know it sounds bizarre, and as I write this I think to myself, was I
really that weak or was I just playing the martyr? I actually thought he (the relative) would
just get the message, or leave me alone especially when he got married…I
thought it would stop. But of course it didn't. At the age of 34 I should have been able to
stop him. But it’s not like I didn’t try because I did, he obviously just
didn’t want to hear it. He would expose himself to me and profess his undying
love. I mean, it's so screwed up, it sounds unbelievable!
Not long
after I got married, my husband asked me if I’d put some thought into
moving away, but at that time I didn’t want to move away from all my family…that
was until it all came to a head one day in 1996 when I was close to having a
nervous breakdown. I told my husband what had been going on…end result…a one
way ticket to Canada! Re-evaluating our life and making that move was the best
decision we have made in all the years we have been married (next to having our
kids that is).
Is it
justified?
NO
abuse is justified and should never be taken lightly, but sometimes we
(or I) tend to justify the act. Either that or I blamed myself for it
happening in the first place. But I am very aware of the fact that it wasn't my
fault and that the problem lay with my abusers.
Someone to tell
Back when I was a child, to be honest I have no idea what type of resources there was. And I don’t know why I chose not to tell after the first incident. But I wish I’d felt that I could tell someone. However, people were more reserved back then and didn’t communicate as openly as we do now. And the older I got the harder it was to reveal the secret. And then I over analysed how it would affect my family. I can’t begin to imagine what my parents would have said, I'm not sure they would have coped with this knowledge and now that they are both gone, I am actually content with the fact they went to their grave not knowing the truth, so maybe it was for the best.
Weights Lifted
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” ~ C. JoyBell C
I'm tired of keeping this secret as it has weighed me down for years and I
have analysed the thing to death. Telling you is a positive choice and a part
of my healing. It is a step by step process, one that is taking me to a place
of no regrets, no guilt and love, love for me and who I am and what I stand
for. Abuse as they say does not define you but it makes you understand and have
compassion for others that have gone through similar experiences. We can and do
come through the storm to the other side that is full of sunshine.
We all make
our own choices in life and have to live with them. I chose not to tell when I
was a child…do I regret it? Yes and no.
But I can’t turn the clock back and rewrite my life I can only move forward
with acceptance of the choices I made. I would encourage anyone experiencing
any sort of abuse to talk to someone. Don’t be afraid of coming forward and
reporting any type of abuse, as how do we rid society
of sexual predators if we don't come forward?
Having to
live all these years keeping the secret of abuse under wraps is tough and can
make you a little crazy. I want to forgive and
forget but I'm realistic and know that it will always be there in some shape or
form. What these abusers did to me is incomprehensible and has left me with
unseen scars, ones that are lifetime scars. Do I forgive? Now that I have read
and rewritten this over and over, yes to a point.
Time heals?
They say
time heals, and yes to a degree it does but not in the way where you forget. It
gets easier and less painful with time. You accept it, learn to live with it
but you never forget.
Karen ♥
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