Dear Abuser

Dear Abuser

I can't remember the first time I was introduced to you, but guessing days after I was brought home from the hospital just weeks old. I also have no idea how long you lived next door to my parents but I know you saw me, my siblings and other young families in the area grow up. You were a married man with a family of your own, and you loved your garden...it was always well kept and had beautiful flowers. I actually don't remember what you did for a living so not sure if you even worked. Were you a respected member of the community? I don't believe you were!

I have gone over and over this in my head so many times, trying to figure out why you sexually abused me.  I have asked myself a hundred times or more why me? Only, I now know that I wasn't any more 'special' in your eyes than your other victims. YES, I know I wasn't your only victim and also know you abused your own daughter. What possessed you to think it was okay to abuse little children? I ask this question a lot and wish I could ask you face to face, only its too late now, because you are long gone. But I know you would have been asked the same question by God, and he is the one you have to answer to.

I found out pretty quickly that you were obviously not content with your life as it was, and that you had a huge problem...you had a sick attraction to little children!  Our small community was full of kids, a prime place to live for a pedophile like you.



Me around 1 year old

What went through your head when you looked at me for the first time? Did

you look at me back then when my mum showed me off, as a future victim? Did you look at every young child the same way?

                                                                                                                         

My first memory of you was around the age of 3 or 4 I believe. I was sitting on your knee by the open fire, I remember the smell of soup wafting through from the kitchen...that smell has stuck with me. I have no recollection of conversation...whether I've just blocked this out or really there wasn't anything said in this instance, I can't remember. I don't know where your wife was or why I was with you in the first place. Maybe everyone was at school and my mum had an appointment with my younger brother...I'm not sure. But here I was alone with you, an adult, that my parents trusted, would take care of me. But you broke that trust didn't you?  Only they didn't know it! They were grateful for your help...only they didn't know the motive behind your eagerness to help.

My parents went to their grave not knowing what you did and this is my one regret...I wish I'd been strong enough to tell them what you did to me. I know that if they had found out what you did and what you were...a child molester, a pedophile, a disgusting species of a human being that abused innocent children, that they would have done something about it. Knowing my parents and their siblings...your life wouldn't have been worth living as they would have probably taken the law into their own hands. But I also know that my parents would have been so upset knowing the truth and devastated that they had put me in this situation.

Your wife was a nice enough lady...did she know what you did? I wonder about this and think that yes, maybe she did as your daughter hardly ever came around once she left home. Did your wife know you abused other kids too or that you exposed yourself to children in the community? Unfortunately I will never know the answer to that question either. 



Me at 6 or 7 years old

Do you know how much fear and anxiety I experienced growing up because of your actions and abuse? No, probably not as you only had your own selfish needs in mind. Well, I felt physically sick every time my mum sent me round to ask for a cup of sugar or whatever it was she needed. I'd try to get out of it but she insisted not knowing my fate, so I did as she said. And you took advantage of every situation didn't you?  Fear would grip me. I'd feel nauseous and tense, my stomach would ache and my heart would palpitate and feel heavy. I feared passing your front door to go to another neighbours house. I never walked past your house...I always ran, scared you would be there. I had nightmares growing up of the bogey man coming to get me and had a recurrent dream of me running away from someone, the fear gripping me, flapping my arms to fly and I'd get away just as someone would touch my feet as I took flight. No child should have to live in fear...EVER!!

Your abuse has left me with many scars and anxiety that has caused me ill health throughout my life. Instead of being a carefree child/teen, I grew up feeling insecure, had low self esteem, no confidence, a consistent feeling of shame and guilt as if it was all my fault.
Depression also hit me as a young teen and continued into my early married life and has recurred on and off throughout my life. And I was sexually aware at far too young an age, this led me into bad situations and relationships as a teen.

I am now nearing my 50th birthday and yet the memories are still there and will be until the day I die! But you know what? You can't hurt me anymore and you haven't kept me from fulfilling my purpose in life. I have turned a bad experience into something I believe is wonderful. I have a loving husband that is my rock. He knows everything about me and loves me unconditionally. He has been my healer, understanding me and allowing me to grow into the person I am today. I have two beautiful children who I love deeply. I am loved and I love myself.

I feel sad for your other victims...especially your daughter. Parents are supposed to take care of their children...NOT abuse them. What was your childhood like...were you abused? Or did you just wake up one day and realize you were attracted to little children? So many questions and not enough answers but I'm moving on and healing.

"A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong"

I have great strength and I am a survivor and I am a good person. I have learnt to accept the wrongs against me and I am moving on with my life knowing I am a better person for it. I am at peace with myself and love me for who I am and what I stand for...no looking back only looking forward. I am grateful for so many great things that have happened in my life and to so many people who have been there for me.

I am truly happy and at peace with the world.

Karen